If You Dread Being Around Them…
That’s an unfortunate place to be. My guess is it wasn’t always that way, or you wouldn’t be in a relationship, would you? It’s true, everyone needs alone time. Many couples find more strength in themselves and in their relationship hen they have their own independent hobbies and time, and also have shared time and interests. Wikihow.com says it bluntly, “If you dread hanging out with her, why are you with her?” They recommend taking a break and seeing if absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Before You Leave
Check in with yourself. Has this happened to you before in other relationships? This desire to avoid the other or to have more time alone? Are you engaging in codependent behavior and then breaking free? Is being vulnerable and close too much for you? Are you avoiding communication and asking for exactly what you need? Have you been giving “too much” or had too many demands on you and now you are exhausted and ready to escape?
Lack of Communication and Distance
You see, reflection of self, clearing the emotions around it using EFT Tapping (get your free course here) and following up with clear, neutral, and open communication may be the thing that changes this relationship forever to the positive. It may break a belief or relationship pattern that you have carried (or the other person has carried that you are now interacting with) in a way that provides deep healing and repair in your marriage or partnership. James Crawford Law talks about the 9 silent signs of separation that could indicate it is time to separate.
Staying For What They Provide You
Fear of losing security, comfort, a warm body in the house, someone to share the bills with, or loneliness does not make for a happy long-term relationship. In fact, it’s likely to set both of you up for anxiety, resentment, and heartbreak. What about the kids? Communication researcher Tamara Afifi says in this article that while your children may be sad for a while after your marriage ends, they tend to heal better in the long run than those kids whose parents stay together in a stressful household with constant fighting.
Your Kids Will Model You (And Your Marriage)
If you are constantly arguing, doing acts to disrespect the other, or in a loveless marriage you are also teaching your kids what love looks like and what they deserve in the future from a partner. OUCH. That this is what to expect in their marriage. Whether you leave or stay, give consideration to how you treat the other person. Do not use the kids as a pawn, prevent the kids from seeing the other parent (unless it’s dangerous) or badmouth the other parent. Heal your own emotions with help from a professional so you can address the situation with honor, integrity, and grace.
Sex Life Is Bad
How Important is Sex in A Relationship? This video I put on YouTube has more discussion and comments and views than anything I’ve posted in the last 5 years. Obviously it’s a big question, so I will address it in a separate article. However, note that many things cause decreased sex drives including stress, medications, hormonal changes, and the lack of other types of intimacy (emotional, intellectual, etc) You’ve probably heard people say that sex isn’t the end-all-be-all in a relationship, but for many, it still carries a lot of weight. Which is why it’s in the top three subjects couples fight about.
I Cannot Answer Questions For You
I got a phone call the other day from someone who wanted me to give them advice on whether or not to break up. No matter how many questions I asked, this person wanted me to say it. During the course of the conversation I could hear a lot of patterns coming forward. Fears of both staying and leaving. Beliefs around what it “should” look like and how perhaps because it didn’t look that way, that it should be over.
At the end I talked about what the most respectful decision seemed to be according to the information I had been given, however I know the whole story wasn’t visible. The underlying relationship patterns from childhood. The societal beliefs of what it should look like. Ideas of monogamy and communication and the expansive potentials that exist in the range of healthy relationships that exist out there.
Trust your gut. Do the healing work so you can made the best decision for you and your family. Practice good self-care. Take an Emotional Freedom Techniques class to help you release all aspects of relationship struggles. Talk to a professional who is neutral. Heck, you can even take a divorce quiz online. But I’ve noticed many of those questions are asking about symptoms of emotional hurt and communication breakdown. You deserve better than that.
I’m here to help. Give me a call.